Day 339: out of time

I am a fuck up
And my time is growing thin
Every time I get on track
I lose my way again
My maps are quickly fading
My memories are too
I still have time but it's running out
And when it does, what will I do?

Day 338: I gave you all

Written to I gave you all by Mumford and Sons

I've said a lot of words out loud that I hope
Never land in the ears of those who were to receive them
I'm driving through the winter night
And in my rear view mirror sits Cleveland
Of into the darkness and snow
Gently covering 80/90
I've you happen to be looking for me
The road is where you'll find me
I gave you all
Switching gears between the tears
The falling snow muffles my sighs
Consider the note that I left on the dresser
As my final goodbye
I'll never see your face again
And it's probably for the best
As I try to find another you
To fill my gaping chest
But the snowy grounds, the know me
And softly whisper it'll be O.K.
And maybe I'll be whole again
Somehow, Someday
I gave you all

Day 337: The Rose and Evergreen

I found you when you were just a seed
And kept you safe under my boughs
My sturdy branches held back the snow
From crashing to your hallowed ground

And when the frost began to melt
When the world began to wake
Your beauty yearning to break free
Pushed until the earth gave way

I stood and watched you as you yawned
Raised your arms and drank the light
Your budding eyes opened up
Releasing colors from inside

The humming of the birds and bees
Flattered you with endless praise
You hungered for all their attention
And never stopped to tell me thanks

You said you had no time for me
That my colors could not suffice
You turned back to birds and bees
Cutting me out of your life

But soon the nights grew long and dark
Your petals fell exposing thorns
I watched you as passed away
Until your beauty was no more

You said I had no beauty
But out here in the snow it seems
Your brown stalk can not compare
To my evergreen.

Day 336: Survivor

Unabashed
Unashamed
I take pleasure in the flaunting
Of my white hot pain
You want to roll with me?
You better bring your game
'Cause I won't stop until I drop
And you better do the same
I wear slits laced up my wrists
Like pins up on a globe
And if you don't like the scars I bear
Get your ass back home
I don't feel alive
Unless I feel half dead
And when the reaper comes to call
I'll punch him in the head
I'll never stop the chase
I won't go down without a fight
I'm confident I'll win it all
But if I lose I know I'll survive

Day 335: Paths in the woods

There are so many ways to live
But I've only tried three
With you, Without you
And only with me

I tried to live wrong
And break all of the rules
But ended up with nothing
And ended up a fool

I tried to live right
And do as I was told
But I was left with nothing
But an empty, polished, soul

I tried to live with you
And loved it the whole time
But now I'm left with nothing
But memories and crying

Now I'm trying to find
The next path that I will take
There's the paths of money
Power, women, drugs, and fame

But those paths are not for me
I'm destined to make my own
It's cold, it's dark, it's lonely
But here, I'll find my home

Day 334: Promise

Before I give my heart to you
Which you can have, with just a kiss
Promise me you'll stay forever
And we'll always be like this

Day 333: Rough week

I've walked through hell and back
Just to feel the flames
I've sat alone in silence until
I've forgotten my own name
I've created civilizations
Just to watch them break
But I still can't find anything greater
Then the pain, left from your wake.

Day 332: I Want a Girl Like

I want a girl
Who has quit smoking
But the swings that life brings
Has brought her back to nicotine
I want a girl
Who's quit dancing for the men
Who's quit twerking for fame
But keeps working all the same
I want a girl
Who is Independent
Who's got her money in her hand
Who doesn't need, but wants, a man
I want a girl
Who doesn't care what you think
Who's got ink out to her finger tips
And what you think, don't mean shit
Only what I think

Day 331: Everything and Nothing

I gave you all I ever was
And all I'll ever be
I worked from sunrise to sunset
To give you security
I gave you all the breath I had
Just to hear you breathe
I gave you pleasure like no other
Until you'd scream and wheeze
I gave you all I had to give
And borrowed all the rest I gave
Which is why I'll never be the same
As the day you went away

Day 330: Hide Your Heart My Darling

The storm is coming soon
The clouds are growing dark
The gusts are howling through the plains
You had better hide your heart
You'd better hide your heart, my darling
You'd better hide your heart

Board up all the windows dear
And I will bolt the doors
We will sit here in the cellar
Riding out the storm
We'll ride out the storm, my darling
We'll ride out the storm

The night is never ending, dear
The day refuses to break
I feel you slowly letting go
But I don't have the strength
I don't have the strength, my darling
I don't have the strength

You know you have my heart, my dearling
And I know I have a piece you gave
But as to mending our broken trust
I just don't see a way
I just don't see a way, my darling
I just don't see a way

Day 329: Thoughts?

I fought and tossed with troubled men
I started all my life again
I caught up with the self I left behind
But now I'm left with empty hands
A shattered ego, empty plans
And questions that have answers I can't find.

Day 328: Emotional Therapy

I was crippled for a month
But you helped me to my feet
You held my weight as I put
Foot in front of foot carefully
And when I could stand upright
With only the support of your hand
You let go of me
To show me I could stand
You said your job was done
And packed up all you owned
And moved on to the next one in need
So I could walk on my own
The pain of holding my weight
Makes me sweat and shake
But otherwise I'd never walk again
And I have you to thank.


Thank you to everyone who has helped me this last month. You put me back on my feet. It's not easy learning again, but I am learning and it will be ok. Pain is part of the recovery and you all helped lessen it until I could handle it. Thank you so much. All of you.

Day 327: Love Again One Day

You can't have all of me
'Cause I don't have it all to give
But you can have all that's left
And do with it what you wish
'Cause I believe your words are true
So I will give my all to you
And your time and love will hold the pieces
Back in place like glue
Your eyes will see into my soul
And light my darkest thoughts
And your smile will melt the frozen heart
'Till the ice become raindrops
Your touch will make my pulse race
Nothing will matter in this bliss
Until then dreams of you will keep me
While I hope that you exist

Day 326: Autumn of life

I listen to the echoes of the raindrops
That capture all my stray thoughts
And reassure me it will all turn out OK

And the falling of the autumn leaves all seem
To bury memories and dreams
Of the pain you left me when you went away.

Day 325: come back home

The dawn is back again
And i'm sitting in the kitchen
Wishing that
You were here with me
The dripping of the faucet
Ehoes in my eyelids
And i can't stop
Wishing you were here
With me

I don't know
Whats left to say
All I know
Is I can't wait
Much longer for you to come back home again
Won't you come back home again

Day 324: When I Write

This was a writing project back at RPI where we took the first four lines of a poem and then put a new twist on it. So for legal reasons THE FIRST 4 LINES ARE NOT MINE!

When I Write

As flame on flame, and deep on deep
Throne over throne where in half sleep
I write rhymes on fragile stone sheets
Aflame with life and hummed heartbeats
Brewed from the herbs of worlds beyond
At once inhaled, released, then gone
Where agile clouds of smooth smoke rose
And only God’s eyes did not close
But shed warm tears in somber joy
Gazing upon his poet boy
With words of life within my lips
And flowing ink from finger tips
Velvety words with which I weave
My polyrhythmic tapestries
My heart pumps blood; drum beats in veins
Guiding my soul through winds and rains
Finally I fall onto clouds
And whisper words aimless aloud
Hoping they land upon the page
Whereupon I have fixed my gaze
Pupils dilate drinking in light
Reflected shine blooms through the night
As flame on flame, and deep on deep
Throne over throne where in half sleep
I write rhymes on tablets of stone
Which live lives of their very own.

Day 323: Breathe

I thought i put this up a long time ago.... Glad to finally have it up.

BREATHE

I dance to the rhythm of the cyclone spinning in my lungs
Clean air feeds my soul’s fire like the burning of a thousand suns
For finally I can breathe unadulterated air
For years smoke smeared these lungs I cannot spare
Every hour on the hour I would need another hit
Or the nicotine queen would throw another fit
Pumping hormones in my blood stream that would set my skin on fire
My train of thought would break down like it’d gotten a flat tire
My tongue would scream for the taste of leaves that held the precious key
That the lighter would unlock, as smoke poured in, I would inhale.
But I wouldn’t breathe

Cause it’s not really breathing when each breath makes you numb
And it’s not really breath you can’t catch when you run
It’s the tar and the scars from the years of abuse
For your lungs every puff is a tightening of the noose
That’s slowly stealing every feeling that makes a life worth living
So I’m peeling, floor to ceiling, every inch of my old skin since
Metamorphosis can’t happen without irreversible change
A butterfly can’t spread its wings without breaking from its cage
And the rage from withdrawal was my struggle with the pain
The depression was the bubble that burst causing the rain
That came from these clouds I call my eyes every night
Sanity slipping from my grasp took all I had to hold it tight
And as the world around me was splitting at the seams
I’d come back to my senses when I learned
I could breathe

As each day passed away soon the pain began to fade
Felt like my life was given back to me just inches from the grave
And laid out at my feet was the demon of addiction
Too weak to control me but strong enough to cause friction
Cause the temptation is still there to drown out all my pain
With the smoke from tobacco leaves sitting in a flame
But I won’t be tricked again; I won’t be made a slave
Because the more I ignore the hunger, the faster it fades away
So I strap on running shoes and I race to greet the day now that
Clean air continually fills my lungs I cannot stay in place
I run the race from the beginning until the very end
Cause I’m free from my addiction and
I
Can
Breathe
Again.

Day 322: Fate's a B!tc#

While walking down the street
I saw a man that could be me
Given a beard and 20 years
And a box in which to sleep
He sat in a dirty stoop
Head hung low with a cup held high
A sign at his feet said "Seen better days"
And he looked me in the eyes
I quickly wondered what path he chose
And what sickening twist of fate
Left him here on the side of the street
Begging for people's change
He said "Boy, you could be me
So be careful what choices you make."
I emptied my wallet into his cup
And made my way through the rain.

Day 321: Son Lux Break

Where have all the wicked gone?
The left when they saw there was no harm to be done
I'm wicked enough all on my own

Is there no one left to break me down?
They can't do any harm with the stones they throw
In the absence of a back bone


Where have all the holy gone?
They left when they saw how lost I was
You can't save someone who's already been drowned

Is there no one left to condemn me now?
Can you hurt someone who's heart is a hole
I'm empty and so alone.

Day 320: Stress Management

I lay awake again
My burning eyes refuse to close
I tell myself it's time to sleep
I count each fluffy leaping sheep
As dawn begins to glow

I buy a pack again
And strike another match
The tar is starting to make me wheeze
But without it I can't breathe
The stress would make me snap

I pour a glass again
And lift it to my lips
The clinking ice and amber hues
Makes the fire go down smooth
That numbs me with each sip

Day 319: Selene's Slave

Just a little piece of info: Selene is the Greek goddess of the moon

The pain never stops
It just drips and it drops
Forms a picture perfect puddle
Reflecting everything i lost
The day i fell from grace
A thousand tears fell from your face
And I'll never regain the hiding place
That was your warm embrace
I walk the lamp lit streets
Looking for a trade
I'd gladly take my life away
If it'd erase that day
The day I chased the moon
And left behind the sun
But never saw the darker side
'Till captured, I'd become
A lichen slave to Selene
Bound in her silver chains
She owns me, she controls me
She controls my fate
Old scratch has yet to visit
And Fortune's closed her eyes
So I howl with a broken heart
And blood lust in my eyes
I'd give it all away
But I've lost all control
The emptiness envelopes me
Reminding me of what I sold
And the pain, it never stops
It just drops and it drips
Forming a picture perfect puddle
Reflecting the pieces
I'm left with.

Day 318: Dark Corners

Why do I run back
To corners inky black
To where the light
Is smothered by
The darkness' attack

Why do I sit in silence
Closing both my eyelids
Soaking wet
With my own sweat
And tears from crying fits

Day 317: My Way

Fall on me
'Cause I'm so weak
Close my eyes
I need some sleep
Let me drift
Far away
Help me find
My way

Pick me up
Help me to stand
Take my heart
In both your hands
Press my lips
Against your face
Lead me back on
My way


(written to This Night by Black Lab)

Day 316: The Dove

The frightened dove before me
Sits with broken wings
she Knows she can't ignore me
So she screeches as she sings
There's hatred in her soul
Her eyes shows she abhors me
But the fear is there mixed with despair
She can't stop coming toward me.
My whispers hold her captive
Assuring her she's safe
As fingers touch her feathered neck
Their tightening grasp has sealed her fate

Day 315: Wolf song

I'm writing poetry to the moon tonight
Bathed in a gentle porcelain light
Birthed from a heart cut like a knife
with the emptiness of another lonely night
Can you hear me, Mr. Moon
Will you're heartstrings sing with my call?
The echoes ring until they die
Your silence says it all
But with no alternatives in sight
I'll just continue my song
Hoping that one day you'll change your mind
And let me know I'm not alone

Day 314: Checking Out

I'm sittin on the edge of this bed
All alone in a motel room
My bags are packed with all my clothes
And I'm wearing a new pressed suit
One last drink to steady the nerves
And then I'll leave this place
I'm ready to go, no reason to stay
I'm checking out today
Feels like a lifetime
Since I checked in
All those years ago
But I'm ready
It feels right
Somehow I just know
I've been pent up pacing
In this uncomfortable cage
Waiting for day break
Sun rise, Escape
The tv stations all sound the same
With reruns on replay
I've mouthed along to enough Lost
To start to feel the same way
And the beds gone soft
And dips in the middle
My restless tossing and turning
Has tired out the springy metal
I've opened and shut the blinds
A thousand and one times
But the dead stillness of the dawn
Leaves nothing for the eyes
But today the sun's orange rays
Have started to break through
And now sitting in the warmth and peace of the sun
Is all I want to do
It's sounds so much nicer
Than just surviving in this room
Why should I try to hold on
When I could just leave and be through
But this room is so familiar
With it's poorly papered walls
I've gotten used to the ceiling cracks
The dripping faucet, the flickering bulbs
It's not easy living with them
But they're something that I know
And the outside is so large and wide
I've been too afraid to go
And my family and friends
And people i know
Reside in rooms close by
I'm afraid to leave them
I don't want to hurt them
But i'm tired of living inside
I'm sure they'll come to understand
That this room just didn't fit me right
And that notion will keep them strong
And help them continue on with their lives
One last drink to steady the nerves
A mini bottle of jack drained into my mouth
Blow a kiss to my trusty colt
Settled my tab, Now I've Checked Out

Day 313: Razor Wire

I could slit a thousand wrists
With these razor lined lips
As a venomous tongue laps and licks
The wounds inflicted with my kiss

Sentences like spools of razor wire wound
Tensed and tightened making a twanging sound
Lain out like traps a foot off the ground
Slashing calves leaving gashes as the blood pools 'round.

Day 312: Journey

Help me through this valley
Where my sins out weigh the tally
Of good deeds
As they feed
The darkness that surrounds me

Help me up the peaks
To where I know I'll see
The promised land
Made by your hand
And there you will complete me