Day 213: Flash of Pain

The pain is sharp
Blinding white
In a flash
I close my eyes
Tight until
The flash subsides
Then I see the little pain
Behind a big flashlight

Day 212: Not Who I am

Anglo-Saxon of Scandinavian Descent
This is not who I am
Electrical Engineer and Mathemetician
This is not who I am
Total Nerd, Sci-Fi Geek
This is not who I am
Die hard fan of Rod Serling
This is not who I am
Middle Class Suburbanite
This is not who I am
Ohio born Loyal Buckeye
This is not who I am
Christian, Liberal
This is not who I am
Sarcastic, Literal
This is not who I am
I am human
Unable to be boxed in
Encompassed only
By my skin
I don't know
Who I am
But I know
That I am
And that is all that matters

Day 211: Holly would

If Hollywood could
Then my life should
Will only bring you hell
Cause if Hollywood biz
Sold life as it is
Then Holly-would not sell

Day 210: Sunrise and Suicide

If I had a gun
I'd wake up early in the morning
I'd walk out and watch the sunrise
Feeling rays causing skin warming

I'd look out to the sky
Smile on my face getting bigger
Press the pistol to my temple
Sigh a prayer and pull the trigger

Day 209: Tired

I used to be tired
Of waiting for a miracle
Then I grew tired
From being so damn cynical
I grew tired of being impatient
I grew tired of being angry
Constantly exhausted
With the hands the fates gave me
I grew tired of being broken
I grew tired of my fear
I grew tired of watching everything
I turned to for help disappear
I grew tired of losing passion
As life slowly smothered the fire
And now it's all gone
And I'm just tired of being tired.

Day 208: I've had better...

I've had better days
In most of my night mares
I've had better nights
The nights you weren't there
I've had better mornings
When all alone cooking breakfast
I've had better evenings
Every evening that I fell asleep
Without you making me
Feel worthless


I still owe for Sunday.....

Day 207: I Can't Catch Up

I know I'm behind a day, but I've been sick and busy with work for the last two days and I'm still trying to catch up.

I Can't Catch Up


I can't catch up
With the earth's dizzying pace
It turns its back
It turns its front
Then once again hides its face

With each rotation
I struggle to get my bearings straight
Just when I'm starting
To get it all down
The game is once again changed

I'm so far behind
And the world keeps moving on
It seems that just
As I catch up to the dusk
I'm left behind by the dawn

Day 206: Dr, J, Mr. H

Am I Dr. Jekyll
I'm really not that sure
It says so on my license
And my certificate of birth
But certain hours of my life
Are less than just a blur

For hours into the night
I can't quite say that I was there
The memory swirls like an oil slick
Acting as a foggy mirror
I see a face that's quite like mine
Only wild eyes and crazy hair

And behind these eyes
I can see the people in the street
As I crush them heads
With my big feet
And make them scream and cry
CUZ I R MR. HYDE

Day 205: Bowling.....

Bowling.....

The only game
Where you don't have to be
In any shape
To professionally
Play while drink
To play while you eat
It makes me think
It's what I'd like to be

Day 204: Freestyle with Eric

Sneakers over telephone wires
Lost the beat that moved them
Hung themselves in the very
Streets that proved them
Cause Hip hop is dead
But it thrives in the dives
In the back alley ways
Where brothers keep it alive
Where we freestyle
Straight off the block
With a swisher in hand
And a hand on our cock
Saying you don't wanna bring it
My flow's straight sick
Every body on your block
Knows that I bring it
It's not just my imagination
Get ready for the conflagration
Rain down fire on your asses
A Brimstone precipitation
We bringing it back
To the roots where it was bred
We keep providing for the game
Makin sure it stays fed
Cause it feeds our soul
Keeps us alive
Freestylin when we meet
To make sure hip hop survives

Day 203: Cable Sucks

No amount of will
Is ever gonna freeze
The constant bombardment
of the televised disease
Consumerism breeds
As long as you will watch
Feeding constantly
Until you are brainwashed
Zombi-fied
Glaze-ed eyes
Dilated
Blood shot
Life unlived
It won't end
Until you pull
The plug out

Day 202: She Thinks My Protractor's Sexy

I can derive you all night
I can calculate the way to your heart
Tally it up on my abacus
And divide your legs apart

"Is that your ruler baby?
Or are you just happy to see me
How bout you measure my inner dimensions
And we can go get freaky
Go Go gadget gadget
I'm a love machine baby
I know tonight's my lucky night cause she
Thinks my protractor's sexy

She likes when I talk nerdy
When I slap that asymptote
When I pull her variables
And when I isolate her isotope





Yeah, that was pretty pathetic

Day 201: Losing Hope Again

How am I supposed to praise
And sing songs of joy and gladness
When I see the world you made
And how full it is of sadness
When I see children
Getting raped and beaten
When I see junkies
In alleyways fiending
When I see a family
With a father never there
Children joining gangs
And a mother that doesn't care
And nobody tries to fight it
They take it keeping quiet
They crumple with the world around
As it's slowly set on fire
It's a nation masturbatin
Strokin it's own ego
Collective self gratification
The only thing that they know
I wish that it were different
Why can it not be so
I'm doing what I can
But I'm slowly losing hope
Hold me up to the light
Watch me shine just as bright
As all the stars and the moons
And the Suns in the sky
Before I get snuffed
By this world, it's too much
And I'm worried that I won't make it
I'll be extinguished. Puff.

Day 200: Why I Won't Quit.

I'm tired
But I am pushing through
I feel like giving up
But I continue to pursue
The prize is for the winner
But my chances of winning are slim
Yet they're infinitely greater
Than they'd be if I gave in

Day 199: My life as an academic

I'm preparing
For the greatest test of my life
And I WILL ace it.
I will cram for years
I will study everything
Things I'm good at
And things I'm really bad at.
Cooking, languages, math
Literature, mechanics, electricity
Quantum physics, sports, and social interactions
I will study for years
But for a test with no set testing date
Life's pop quiz
That may never actually happen
But I'll continue studying
And hopefully, I will get the chance
To test all I've prepared for.

Day 198: Growing Up Sucks

As I grow older
My chores take over
What I used to call free time
I used to have video games
Fill up my days
But now that's all a past life
I talk about tax rates
And mortgages and banks
Instead of what was on tv
Now I just wish
I get rid of this
And get back my kid mentality

Day 197: I'm Lost

I'm lost...
But I think I'm ok with it.

I used to worry when my course was not mapped
When the path's I walked were new to the grass
And when I looked over my shoulder I saw no way back

But now I'm at peace
The echo's of my breath against the trees
Calm me like my mother's heart beat

And I'm all alone
And though I'm miles from my family and home
I have no desire to return to what I've known

I'll just lie here on my back
Make my bed against the grass
Let the darkness hold me in it's grasp

I fought this for so long
My conscience crushed thinking it was wrong
Until finally I succumbed losing all my numb

I squeezed my eyes tight
Shutting out all traces of light
Bracing for the impact, the bite

But it never came
It turns out I'm just the same
Only I'm not fatigued by the strain

Of holding out
I'm just on my own
I'm lost
But I think
That this is where I prefer to be

Day 196: Which will you feed

A wise man once told me
While staring into a flame
Every man has two dogs inside
That fight in order to gain
An advantage over each other
One is dark and one is light
They've been battling since the day you were born
Since you learned wrong from right
"Which one wins" I asked him
His wizened eyes locked on me
"I thought it would be obvious son,
It's whichever one you feed."

Day 195: Life like a dog

Sorry it's late again. Crazy week.





I can't tell you who I am
Because I change as quick as the wind
Like a pitbull I latch on
To whatever falls in my mouth
I run with it untill my legs
Give out from the exhaustion
Then I drop it to get a drink
To parch my dusty throat
And realize I'm lost again
So I pick up a stick and run

Day 194: Forgive Me Now For Who I Was Then

Forgive me now
For who I was then
If I could take it all back
I'd start from scratch again

I'd do things right
The second time around
I'd become the son you always wanted
I swear I'd make you proud

I'd become the boy friend
You'd want to be seen with
I'd be sexy, charming, polite, and strong
I'd have your heart and have earned it

I'd become the husband
That day I vowed I'd be
For richer for poorer, sick or healthy
To have and to hold you closely

I'd become the father
My daddy taught me to be
I'd always let you know that you
Are the best thing that ever happened to me

I'd become the friend
You could always count on
We'd weather the storms of life together
Keeping each other strong

I ask that you forgive me now
For I know what I was like
I can't change my past
But I'll do all I can to make my future right

Day 193: I hate rap videos

Sorry about the wait. Went 24 hours without cable (and therefore internet) and realized how much of my life I am throwing away in front of the television.



I'm not a liberal idiot
I'm just sick of always dealing with
This bunch of whiny over privileged
Babies called Americans
Cause heaven forbid that we raise our taxes
To teach our youth the gangsta life
In rap videos is all plastic
It's not real. won't last
You get busted by the police
Or get your ass capped
You never make the millions
You barely pay your bills and
Are always looking over your shoulder
With that paranoid feeling
Caused by drug dealing always watching your back
You never know when you'll get jumped
By a junkie smoking crack
So you better arm yourself
Make sure you got the biggest
Never mind the little fishes
put the biggest on their hit lists
Bleeding on the street
They'll realize this is it
The gangstas all will kill each other
Making all they earned worthless

Day 192: Find My Way

Sorry this is a bit late. Had a new addition to the family last night, An English Bulldog named BACON, and he sort of needed a lot of attention for his first night here.

Find My Way

I've been sifting through the ashes
Of my former life without my glasses
Hoping I could find my way again

But all I have are sooty hands
Broken dreams and ruined plans
And I can't find my way again

Day 191: Like a misty breath I'm gone

And on these cold winter nights
I can see my own breath
It makes me laugh cause I know
It's got more substance than I do.
No matter what I try to
I can't ever find the finish
So I quit when it gets to be
More than I can manage
I'm at a disadvantage
Not knowing who I am
I'm transparent as the frosty breath
I just exhaled again
If I could figure who I am
I could know what to do
But I keep staring at the mirror
Waiting to come in to view
A frosty breeze blows
And it sends my breath swirling
Unfurling me to the core
Knowing it's more than I deserve
I'm unnerved at the thought
That I'm about to disappear
Forever to be forgotten
Like I was never hear
And as the night gets colder
The breeze gets bolder
My boots make less of a dent
In the snowy road's shoulder
I'm starting to lose the sound
Of my feet pounding the ground
I look around and realize nothings left
My clothes are crumpled all around
I exhaled my last breath
And my essence just went with it
I'm swirling in the sky
As my mist becomes indeterminate
I'm fading quick
This is it
I'm beginning to disappear
I just wish
I'd made a difference
So someone would know that I was here

Day 190: Lonely in a crowd

I'm lonely
In a room full of phonies
The masks they wear don't hide
That everything they say's baloney
And they don't know me
But they act like they do
They don't care so they pretend
Their looks of concern are true
Makes me sick like the flue
Ties my stomach in knots
I'm fed up with their lies
With the bull shit that they talk
So i bounce down the street
Where nobody knows my name
It's better to disappear
Than hear the care that they feign
And i refrain from even talkin
To the guy behind the bar
Cause I'm sick of being lonely
And it's tearing me apart
Won't somebody save me
Won't someone say my name
With an ounce of conviction
Like I mean anything
But no nobody calls
And no nobody sees
So I drift into the background
Of faces places like the sea
So Jack and Johny walker
Gonna take the pain away
So I'm numb to the ice cold
Loneliness of my every day

Day 189: I need no beat

I wrote this verse without a beat
To turn up the heat
Let my heart play the kick
Share the rhythmic lick that runs through me
Undo me
Let me fall apart
Wrapped up in dusk
As the day turns to dark
Unimpressed with what I've seen
I'm changing the name of the game
At the end of it all only original
Rhymes will be allowed in play
My rhymes come straight from my life
I package them for you to hold
And the winters of my discontent
Might warm you to your soul
Poetic verse
Diary hearse
I'll pour my very heart onto this page
Until I feel it hurt
Then I'll push right through the pain
Until I'm an empty shell
And the messed up hell I call my thoughts
Will begin to order themselves
My release will be
In the form of calligraphy
A phoenix reborn
In the flames of tragedy
And from this fiery furnace
I'll burn away the worthless
Chaff that loads my back
Causing this crooked backbone to surface
Straighter than
A razors edge
A tightrope walk
On a canyon ledge
The courage I need despite the pain
To continue to push ahead
My verse will be out lastin me
Keepin posers from passin me
I wrote to the beat of my heart
Genuinely for the world to read

Day 188: Starving Poet

I'm a starving poet
And wouldn't you know it I'm here to stay
I pull your black heart out your chest
And hold it to you face
These words in these verses
Reflect like the surface of a mirror
A finger pointing at all your flaws
So you can see your hypocrisy a little clearer

Day 187: Nothing more Horrible

Let's meet at a bar
I'll pretend I don't know your name
I'll make a black and white painting
With a Jackson Pollock spraying
And splatter
Using my own gray matter
Speckled in red
Blood from my head
Hear the window shatter
I'll finger paint
But won't use my hands
I plan to use my wrists
Cause I just can't stand this
There's nothing more beautiful than this
There's nothing more horrible than this

Day 186: Worship Is

(Written to be spoken in a breakdown during Praise Adonai)

Stop
Listen to Him speak
Listen to your soul sing
Out a melody
Listen to the notes
Plucked on your heartstrings
The rhythm that is driven
By your pounding heart beat

Listen to the tales
He has to tell to you
Listen to your mission
As inhibitions cut loose
Listen to the swelling
Of the love growing in you
As you feel it start to move
As it starts to move you

So praise Adonai
Praise him under the moon
Praise him under the sun and stars
With all that is within you
Praise him with each breath you draw
'Cause it's more than due
And listen to the words he has
When he speaks to you

Day 185: Thoughts during Law And Order

Legally, it's tough
To get what it is you want
If you want justice

Day 184: I am different than you

Out of phase
Out of sync
I don't rely
On what you think
I step out
While you retreat
Cause I am different than you

Could you please
Quiet down
Your whining has
Grown to loud
You can't stand
That I am proud
To be different than you

I'm ok if
You don't like me
I won't flinch
If you want to fight me
I'll just smile
And wave politely
Cause I am different than you

Day 183: Spineless

I know this is at least a day late. I had a great weekend with a bunch of friends up from all over so they took precedent. I'll catch up before the Monday though.


Spineless


My finger bleeds
From the trigger squeeze
Cause i don't have the balls
To turn off the safety
But I don't have the spine
To keep living my life