Day 368: Umbratumbler

Tumbling through the umbra

Fumbling for a hold

I'm drowning in the rising night

I just can't stay afloat

But hold my head above the waves

A little longer before the night

I know I can't be saved

But I want one more moment awake

Before I die.

Day 367: forgetful

One day I will learn the lesson
Daß habe ich vergessen.

No white light

Oh, I've heard the darkness
The hollow whistle of the wind
The echos of a far off noise
The snap of a twig
The swelling pulse of frightened men

Oh, I've seen the light
It took my sight and burned my skin
I'm overloaded, underwhelmed
Feeling certain
Heaven's not the place I'm in

Day 366: betrayal

Hold my gaze
Your bright red palms caress my face
I'd recognize the taste
Of my own blood anywhere

Day 365: my rose

You scare me so much more
Than I'll ever let you know
Because I have to let the thorns pierce flesh
To tightly hold the rose

Day 364: I pray

I look outside
My apartment window
And all I see
Are broken hearts and dreams
I see a world
Far far from where it should be
And I pray
I Say I pray
I pray

I pray for my people
The lost and the broken
For my neighborhood
And those without a home
I pray for the rescue
Of the broken families
And I pray
I pray
For redemption

I pray one day
We will all awake
Open our eyes and see
That when we fight
And steal and cheat
We hurt ourselves
And can't find peace

And it's been weeks and weeks
Of unanswered prayer
And I can't take any more
I swear
My hope and patience
Are starting to wear thin
But I drop to my knees one more time
I lift my hands to the sky and cry
"Won't you rescue your children"
And then

Silence

Day 363: Numb

I'm all alone
I'm all alone because I choose to be
I'm all alone
And now I can't feel pain
I can't feel anything

Day 362: Winternal Peace

I like it when it snows
I like to watch the sleeping world
Before the spring makes it grow
I like to fade into the mist
When I exhale against the window


I like to see the world stripped
Down to tendons and bones
An intimate existence
Where I can feel alone
And peaceful to my core
To see my thoughts for what they are
Nothing less
Nothing more.

Day 361: My darkest friend

You don't need to know my name
You just need to know my face
To memorize the subtle changes
When the transformation is taking place
Watch the eyes glaze over
Watch the jaw line tense
Notice the weight is shifted forward
Notice the sudden quietness
This is when it's dangerous
This is when you run
This is where I lose control
And cannot stop what I become
This is where I lose my fear
This is where I lose retraint
This is the release of built up steam
Created from burying my deepest pain
I've tried avoiding triggers
I've tried to kill this beast
But I can't control him, can't predict
When next he takes over me
A splintering of my psyche
Lets him off the leash
I tried so hard to lock him up
But he keeps coming after me
I was so afraid of becoming him
And losing my civility
But my fear just makes him more aggressive
In his chasing after me
But now I've talked to him
And realized I need his help
I've let the darkness in
In order to save myself

Day 360: a dream

A cyclone of thoughts keep me awake
Listening to the breathing of a dream lying next to me
"let me in" I whisper
I need to find myself lost in you.

Day 359: problem management

More on my mind than I know what to do with
Drink till it's lost in the haze and confusion
Blink and the weight feels like an illusion
Repeat until the problems hurt less than the solution.

Day 358: The Darkness

I've seen the darkness within
And after years of trying to fight it
I fear I can no longer say
That I don't like what hides inside it

Day 357: put down

A dog would be put down
If it did the same thing that I did
I envy that dog because unlike me
He doesn't have to carry the guilt with him

Day 356: Old habits die hard

I still have your bike hanging up in the garage
Even though you never used it

I still have that rug in the living room
Even though I never liked it


I still drink my wine out of plastic cups
Since you said I broke too many of the glass ones

I still make sure I don't leave my socks lying around the house
Because you thought it was so disgusting

I still stay quiet in the morning
Because I never wanted to wake you


I still collect all your mail
And store it in a box in case you need it

I parked on my side of the driveway
A full 6 months after you went away

And I still sleep on my side of the bed
In case I wake up and find you never left.

Day 355: She still isn't real

I'd give anything
For just one night with you
Kiss you deeply
Trace your jaw and neckline with my finger tips
To caress your shoulders
Traveling down to your elbows
Then moving to your hips
Lingering for a moment
And traveling up your spine
Causing shivers
Looking deep in your eyes
Losing myself
And finding myself again as you arch your back
Heart beat racing
Breathing shallow
Eyes dilating
Uncontrollable passion
Back down to your hips
Pulling you tight against me
Leaving less than no room between us
Moving with each other
A perfectly in step dance
I die at the grand finale
And in your arms
I'm born again.
Just let me know you're there
That you don't exist just in my mind
Of all the hidden things in life
You are the hardest to find.

day 354: One day One woman

You are somewhere else
Another place in space and time
But you live in my fantasies
Where for the night, you are mine
I've seen you somewhere before
But never in this place
In my thoughts on the kitchen floor
Locked in my embrace
Bodies pulsing in perfect time
Feeding off the heat and sweat
Screaming, wheezing, barely breathing
But we haven't had enough yet
Now we're in a cabin
After skiing on the slopes
Fire roaring, empty wine glasses
And a pile of our clothes
I trace out each and every curve
Finding spots that electrify
Your skin flushes, heart beat quickens
Animal lust ignites your eyes
A sly smile, you bite your lip
And start to move my hands
Down farther south to your favorite spots
Guiding me through your promised land
Teach me everything I lack
Show me things I never knew
You show me pure enlightenment
Can only be found in you

I shake my head as I wake up
And start to feel the coldness
The hardest part is this could be real
But our timing is atrocious

Day 353: Hopeless

It's all just hopeless

It's hopelessness

It's a hopeless mess
Closing this
Forgetfulness
Just building stress
Won't stop to rest
Until it gets
Too tangled
To come undone

It's hopeless

No one's there to pick you up
No one's there to help you breathe
It's all just hopeless
And it's stealing the life out of me.

Day 352: the end of humanity

In the end
We'll never see what killed us all
A pathogenic fleet
Of Microscopic warriors

Day 351: haunted by a tender ghost

I know that it's not real
I know that it's a fantasy
But late at night I lie awake
Pretending that you're lying next to me
 You're goddamn intoxicating
I can't sleep I can't think
 I'm afraid to close my eyes
 Cause you might vanish if I blink
 You're the perfect woman
But my flaws still keep you out of reach
You haunt me every night till I scream
"WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME?!"
 You lean in close to give a kiss
And whisper to me in my ear
"I was never really with you"
As you start to disappear
 But I wake up again
The sun reminds me I'm alive
 I make it through another day
Just to see you in the night.

Day 350: Some Latin

Tempus fugit
Iacta alea est
Audentis fortuna iuvat
Ignavi perficare ultimum

  Time flees
 The die is cast 
Fortune favors the brave 
Cowards finish last

Day 349: World's end

At the world's end
Where the compass spins
And you feel completely alone
Look to the stars
And follow your heart
And you'll find your way back home

Day 348: Man and Beast

Both a hero and a monster 
Are a mixture of man and beast
What differentiates the two
Is the proportion found in each.

Day 347: fantasy world

I'm a victim of my fantasies
The saddest of all tragedies
I believe the lies I tell myself
As they tear me apart gradually

Day 346: Riot Youth

Product of the greatest generation coming down the queue. I'm not a member of the warrior class, of the proud, of the few. A member of the children left out in the fields of corn, the quietly taciturn that you forgot were ever born. But we ripped the stitches that you used to keep our swollen lips from ever telling history books about the things that you have done. This isn't fun, but we know we have to sing. We feel it in our blood, in our bones, in our being. And if we keep ourselves together keep from rocking this old leaky ship we'll never get the chance to sink or float and we don't want to live a type of life where we never know what's just outside. We're leaving through the door while our elders run and hide and we aren't coming back until we've traveled through the night. This ain't about good or bad, this is about wrong or right. Black Knight. Fight or flight. Dust to Dust. Afterlife. We don't know what's coming round the bend but we feel alright. We'll say our peace and try to keep ourselves from screaming with palms that are bleeding and scratched raw cause it's truth that we're fiending. And afterwards there won't be nothing left to say, we'll just all sigh exhausted from discovering that nobody was right.

Day 345: Now

How did I get here?
And what time is it anyhow?
Don't matter 'cause an instant and eternity
Are just manifestations of now.
Now is when I was born.
Now is when I will die.
Now is when I learn the truth
After living in the lie.
Then was never there
And never again will be
Never never happens
And tomorrow's just a dream.
Today is just a now
Stretched out with the sun
And tonight is only now
When you let your mind run.
Yesterday is not a time
It's merely now removed
From your present state of mind
Left behind with what you used.
Now is where I am
Now is where I'll be
Now is just an instant
But also eternity

day 344: alone

People seem to think
That i'm an urban myth
I set up shop, take a shot
And disappear into the mist
The ties I make along the way
Are perforated at my heart
And when I feel a tug at them
The quickly fall apart
It's a lonely life
But better than a broken home
When I see the wreck it leaves
I know I'm better when i'm alone.

Day 343: More

Day and night
Fight or flight
I know now I want more
Blood and sweat
Given up yet?
Hell no! I want more!
Feel the sting
Perspiring
You don't want any more
I won't stop
'Till I drop
I know that I want more
Dreaming things
That can't be
I know that you want more
Pushing through
Done with you
You know that I want more
I have a life worth fighting for


Borrowed from Santigold-Disparate Youth

Day 342: WTF man

I've been around, long enough
To see what people hide, when life gets rough
And I know cause I've felt it all, a life time ago
Cause I'm lost and now one seems to know
Where the exit signs point to a forgotten place
How long you have to make eye contact to really see a face
It's been a long time, since I've seen any direction
And I've spent many night in the deepest introspection
And came up empty, both palms raised
And now the rain drops fall and I walk unfazed
Continuing to move forward, In these warn out shoes
If only you knew what it felt like to be the one that left you

Day 341: Minnesota

Written to this song. Don't breathe.

I'm gonna run away today
To a forgotten peaceful place
Where no one knows my name
But everyone can recognize my face

They say it's the land of ten thousand
Lakes which might just be enough to
Drown the 10,000 mistakes I
Made before I left this town

So I'll wake up before the sun can
Rise and jump into my car and
Drive and leave behind all that I
Own for someone else to find

I've had it up to here with holding
On to things I couldn't own
To trying hard to make this awkward
Place feel more like it's my home

To those who wonder where I went
I wish I coulda told ya but I'm
Gone and if you're looking for me
Look to Minnesota

Day 340: Start again

I want to take you back
To start over again
But this dark heart waiting carries scars
That just won't let you in

Not that you would want
To start from where we left
But I would give up everything
Just to have you back

Back to where we were still in love
To where you were my everything
To where the world could melt away
And we wouldn't notice anything

To where the sun could turn to black
And fall out of the skies
Where my heart would stop its beating
Locked within your eyes

But I can't let you in
Metal armor has replaced skin
And I cannot trust the same
But I will see you in the night
In my dreams, we will take flight
And rekindle our dying flame