Day 269: The Letter For My Past

I thought about this letter long before I put the pen to paper
I'd sit down to write it freak out and try to finish it later
Or sit on the couch in an attempt to forget that it rested incomplete
At the nightstand next to my bed staring at me as I tried to sleep
When I finally wrote a line I started back from scratch
I crumpled it up and threw in in the trash, and then later went back
And tried to smooth the creases
Hoping they didn't form a map detailing the completeness of my weakness
Curled up like a fetus I've been running out of ink
Because I draw out all my feelings for a moment to think
I inject it in my veins hoping that it reaches my brain
So I can get some clarity to these dreams in water color paint
And all the colors shifted
The edges blurred beyond recognition my notes to self come out encrypted
And I fear the permanence of the words that I write
Will make real the nightmares that haunt me throughout the night
Flashbacks to days when you crippled me to my core
When you used me and abused me as your emotional whore
Who would be through the night who ever you wanted me to be
And when the morning came you'd kick be back out onto the street
And while you took me in you ravaged my heart
Using the words "I love you" to tear me apart
And even though it was years ago it still ripples through my life
Causing me to cower at the emotional advances of my wife
And the echos of your voice bounce from dark corners in the house
As I drink myself to sleep trying to drown the sound out
Because I don't have the courage to tell you what I think
To tell you I deserved better than how you treated me
When I finally wrote the letter I folded it with care
I addressed it to myself and left it in the attic somewhere
And written on the page were the words I needed desperately
To hear from you those years ago and so I wrote
"You. Are. Free."